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Written by Emmanuel Adanegbe
(IG: @emmanueladanegbe
Twitter: @emmanueladanegbe1)
There is no evil, no good, no bad, only personal opinions and none is above another's. That's what I thought once. I truly believed this at some point, but not anymore. You can't see the things I have and still believe that. You can't be who I am now and say there is no evil. I have seen evil, I have handled darkness and every time I look in the mirror all I see is an incarnate of the devil.
I wasn't always the man in the mirror. I once thought myself a good man and I remember my wife saying I couldn't harm a fly even if it landed on my eye. That's a bit extreme but you get the picture. She sadly didn't know better. Men are like wild beasts but with the one distinction; we are more ruthless. The Lion hunts for prey, the vulture lets nature to run its course but man is an entirely different story.
I remember it as clear as day.
My worst nightmare playing before my very eyes. A sight so vivid I pray to forget but can never. The gore I witnessed scarred me in more ways than one. I call it the day my sun went dark and my moon was turned red by her blood. She had no say in the cosmic battles that waged on but alas, she was a victim of this ruthless unending war.
Night after night I am tormented with nightmares of her demise and when I'm jerked awake I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done to make sure I wouldn't walk in this uttermost darkness for truly I've been lost without my bright morning star.
We moved to Kigali weeks before our second year anniversary to visit my brother and also to make a home for ourselves. A place we could welcome our little one into this world.
A world I once saw as beautiful but not after I saw it for what it truly was; dark, soulless and merciless. Our move to the capital was a much anticipated one. A journey packed with fun memories and exciting little stops. Little did we know what terrible fate would befall us in Kigali.
The date was April 21st 1994, just about a week to our anniversary: one I had sworn to make our most memorable thus far.
It was also my birthday and she had quite the treat for me as always, but with the tall trees being cut down, birthday celebrations would have to wait.
I speak of the reporter's words on the radio when I say tall trees, for those were the words he used that turned my world into chaos. For days we had heard of horrors that had befallen our people and we had done our best to outrun it.
We left our home in search of safety and refuge but it seemed everywhere we went, death followed.
We ran not because I was scared for my own life but because I feared what would befall my wife and our unborn child if they came.
My wife was a Tutsi and a Hutu by marriage but with them that didn't count.
If anything my life could very well be over because I married a Tutsi, a marriage they considered an abomination.
My brother warned me about it years ago and with the tension brewing over time between the tribes I feared a day like that might come.
Sadly, in my naivety I thought I wouldn't live to see it but I was wrong,
dead wrong.
In our struggle to remain alive we came upon an old church made of wood, close to the city's outskirts and we thought that it would be a safe place to hide.
"They wouldn't think to look for us in here" I said to my Muteteli.
Coincidentally, we weren't the only ones with the exact same idea. In there we met others; men, women and children, families made refugees in their own home and country, all trying desperately to survive.
Some were wounded; bleeding so profusely that death seemed inevitable. Before me were tearful children covered in the blood of their own parents who did all they could to get them out of harm's way.
I saw before me a father who used his back as a shield to ward off incoming bullets coming at his wife and child but sadly, he was no Superman. Now he lay on the church ground, bleeding to death with tears in his eyes whilst still holding tightly the hand of his wife and his little daughter. I watched as this heroic father breathed his last and words fail me to describe how I felt when I saw this.
What I couldn't express in words, I did with sorrowful tears. I thought to go over to console this hero's family but what words could calm and give them hope? What amount of condolences could cushion the impact of losing a loved one; a father, a friend, a husband?
As I looked around, with tears in both my eyes, searching for the light at the end of this dark long tunnel, she came over to me and held my hand. She could sense I was distressed and confused.
We all were, but I had this attitude of always taking problems on my shoulders whilst keeping her out of it. She always told me I shouldn't keep her out of the struggles I go through. She said we could handle everything the world throws at us if we stuck together.
I did believe her but be that as it may, I always felt it my responsibility to not wear her out with my worries but not this time. This time I'd need her to go through this.
"We would make it out of this Gahiji...we would." She said to me when I turned to face her with tearful eyes. She drew closer to me and held me close as she spoke.
With her hands wrapped around me, she spoke as she always did; with hopeful words, trying to lift up my spirit. Like everyone else she tried to be strong but she couldn't. She wept as she leaned on my shoulders and so did I as I held her even tighter.
Just when I was beginning to feel hopeful again, our hideout was found by those who sought our lives. We were quickly surrounded by men armed with guns, knives and machetes.
They flooded into the building with no interest of taking hostages. Others remained outside, preparing to burn down the old church as soon as they got a go ahead. They came in through the door, opened windows and broke through weak parts of the wall.
They came in, generous with their bullets, killing instantly about half that took refuge in the church. We quickly took cover behind pews whilst others lay still on the ground. Some tried to escape but it was no use.
Those who went through the windows only prolonged their demise by mere seconds for they were set ablaze by the hostile mob they met outside.
Those who managed to survive the first wave were sought out and killed one after the other, hastily thinning out the survivors. Those who lay still on the floor were the first to go, followed after by those who hid behind old pews.
They were shot in the back as they lay down or pulled harshly out of their cover to be used as shooting practice by multiple men. Others got shot in the head and some left in the most gruesome form possible; slow hacking with machetes until decapitation.
When I saw all of this I knew they were coming for us next. So I held her hand and slowly we walked behind pews with our heads down.
To survive sometimes we crawled, sometimes we lay on the ground and slowly pulled ourselves across with our hands. As we did this we were covered with blood of those brutally murdered. Men, women, even children. Absolutely none were spared.
We slowly made our way to a small room down the hall, hoping to survive the onslaught by hiding therein. We did this successfully and to our luck, there was a staircase leading to a room beneath it. We went down the staircase to the dark basement and there we waited.
I was beginning to think I could make it out of this alive but that dream faded away when our hiding spot was found out by these rebels.
There was no place to hide in this small room so we pressed tightly against the corner of the wall, almost hoping we could walk through.
I stood in front, as a cover for my wife, to protect her if they choose to come in gun blazing.
She held me tightly from behind and I could very well feel her weak knees and shaking arms. We had both seen so much in a day than we had ever seen in our whole lives. As she held me close, I feared for our unborn child whose pulse I could feel at this point. Dear God, why did I ever choose to bring a child into this cruel world.
While we stood, we prayed to God for deliverance even though I had no faith for one. To our shock, the first to come down the staircase was a familiar face, a supposed bringer of good fortune, my own brother; Sebahive, the leader of this group, a truly ironic turn of event.
I was surprised to see him, but more surprised he was one of them. Seeing my brother should have given me a reason to hope, but rather, my feeling of despair greatly increased.
Seeing that soulless look in his eyes I knew it was over, if not for me then for my Muteteli.
He rushed down with much enthusiasm but came to a quick halt when he saw his brother cornered and cowering. I could have sworn I saw an expression of remorse on his countenance but that lasted not long. He had with him a fiery touch with the end of the wood sharpened for piercing.
He had his rifle behind him and a combat knife in his right hand. He came down ready to kill, my face was the only delay to his mission.
"Gahiji..." He said, looking at me with much shock. You would almost think he would ensure our survival but it was not to be. I held on to him when he came closer, just as I used to in older times.
Thinking my big brother would once more protect me as he did from bullies. Rather, he thrust my side with his blade while I looked deep into his eyes.
Where I lay bleeding, I saw the others rush in.
My wife was dragged out first to be cleansed from the land but how could I watch that happen?
Bleeding I was but that changed not the fact that I had to do something. I had to protect her with all I had left in me.
I tried fighting them off when we were brought out but never had I felt so powerless. I was hit at the back of my head with a rifle and down I went.
Slowly passing out I was but be that as it may I remember it as clear as day for I saw it happen before my very eyes.
They wanted to rape her at first but Sebahive wouldn't let them.
He however didn't stop the hateful hacking they performed on her body. I watched her choke on her blood as I lay motionless.
Even when she fell they stopped not their hacking until they bled her out completely. I saw the most inhumane sight ever as our unborn was stabbed and torn out of her bowels.
She was left unrecognizable by these soulless men. She committed no offence, she did no wrong deserving of this. My Muteteli was the calmest soul I had ever met but she suffered a death even the most wicked of men didn't.
Moments after she died, I passed out completely, hoping we would be reunited, but it seemed fate had other plans.
I had no idea how I survived, no clue how I came out of the building or why I wasn't killed. When I was revived, I saw myself at the back of a truck, being driven from Kigali to a remote village in the western province.
My wounds had been attended to. My head was wrapped round with bandages and my side had been stitched and covered with plasters. I was also bandaged around my waist.
With me were people who tagged themselves as the Tutsi resistance. They saw me bleeding out and they thought I was one of them.
They saved my life and also recruited me into their ranks, an event in which I barely had a choice.
They told me they found me outside a burning church. They also had no idea how I came out but they assured me of the fact that I was the only survivor.
All others were burnt to a crisp… "you must have managed to crawl out," I was told.
*
Sadness and sorrowful tears… this is how many choose to mourn. Others drown their pain at the bottom of a bottle. I chose the third path: rage, and with me were those who chose this path as well.
Since that day I didn't let myself shed a tear, nor did I dull the pain with wine. Pain was fuel for my rage so with each passing day my rage grew more fierce. I picked up a rifle and joined their ranks days after I was fit to fight. I was going to make sure they paid for what they did.
Each and every last one of them. As far as I was concerned, I had no family, no tribe, only those with a common motive; vengeance.
We were seven that journeyed together. I was told they used to be more but fate dealt not kindly with them. The reason for the journey was to meet the rest of the resistance in this distant village.
According to our leader Runihura, our victory in this war would be made certain if some things should come in place.
To do this we had to embark on this journey. The others, all of them, trusted him fully, and so did I.
Truly I cared not about the mission, I just wanted a chance to take vengeance on any unfortunate soul that crossed my path. Since he offered that, he got my loyalty.
Our journey was a long one because we had to take less known routes in other to avoid hostiles.
We often changed vehicles for travel, sometimes killing hostiles to obtain them. We travelled in the cover of darkness few times, and at other times daylight was our ally. We also covered some of the distance on foot whilst still struggling for food and water.
We did help some refugees we met on the way but that wasn't our mission.
It was a detour, one I didn't much care for, except when I was given the chance to put more people six feet under. I remember doing for a man something I couldn't do for myself, something no one did for me; saving him from watching the death of his wife and children of which he had three.
He would have loved to join our ranks but couldn't since he had to ensure his family's safety. I truly admired his zeal and courage so I gave him my rifle for his protection. He however didn't accept my rifle. Rather, he chose that of his fallen enemies; two men who met their end at my hands.
We journeyed together for a short while but at Gitarama we parted ways, never to see each other again.
During the course of this journey, my aim and precision increased and so did my ruthlessness. In time I was told that I was a man befitting of the name Gahiji; the hunter.
As a team we grew more efficient and I was told that I was an invaluable addition to the team. They called me a natural at what we did, a description I didn't much care for. I'd rather be called a natural at singing or painting, but it would be a lie if I was called that.
For a man that never handled firearms in his life I was a rather quick study. For that reason I was never considered a liability to the team.
We arrived at our destination about a month from the day they saved me. We came days before the designated time of meeting. Some of our allies were coming from the land of our neighbour, Congo through Lake Kivu so it was no surprise that Gisenyi was our destination all the while.
This coincidentally was the place we grew up, my brother and I. The place our parents went to rest. I look back now and I can barely remember how it used to be. I can't even remember how they looked like.
None of that matters now.
We came here to end a war, not to reminiscence as we sing along Auld lang syne. Our arrival was by nightfall on the last day of May. We had great plans when we came, little did we know what fate had in store for us.
Somehow, the Hutu rebels found out about this meeting and sent a small band of rebels to extinguish us. They came in the cover of darkness, at a time we least expected. Luckily, we were always ready to leap into action.
We awaited our allies in a small abandoned cottage, a cottage we quickly made our fort. We had set a complex mechanism which was more like a booby trap. It wasn't one that killed invaders but one that would send us a signal when anyone approached. We would have gone with mines but we had none.
Also, that would complicate matters because then we'd have to map out the mine field and also risk killing ourselves and our allies.
It would have been a good defence strategy though. Anyway, thanks to this mechanism set by Hakizimana, we were quickly alerted and thus our response was one they didn't expect.
Prior to their attack, we rigged the cottage with explosives on the command of our very paranoid leader. Now I see that wasn't a bad idea. When alerted, we fled in the cover of darkness to ensure our survival. I'd have loved to go all out, some of the others as well, but that wouldn't be wise since we had not the numbers.
While we escaped, they attacked the cottage, first with an all out rapid fire of their rifles. They went in after to see if they had succeeded in killing any, or to kill any struggling to survive.
That would be the last mistake for some of these rebels.
While the fireworks were a sight to behold, it however would be our downfall for it shed light on our whereabouts. We were spotted by some and that caused the unincinerated to chase us down as dogs.
With this unwanted turn of events, we had no choice but to fight back. The battle line was drawn at the woods of Gisenyi, close to Lake Kivu. The battle was fierce but short lived nonetheless.
Our leader was shot first but he lived. That sadly wasn't the case for our brains Hakizimana. He was the first to meet his end for he was shot at the back of the head as he ran.
We might have known for a short while but with all we had been through together, we were quite closer than brothers, so watching him die was as painful as it gets.
Watching him bleed out in the woods, I got fed up of the running and hiding. I was going to end it this day even if it caused me my head. I stopped running that instant and turned around to fight. I gave the others the cover they needed to escape and that they did with our leader.
They tried not to stop me from doing this for they knew it was futile. I had always been headstrong and this was no time to make me listen to reason. They stopped fighting on my account but chose rather to escape, leaving me alone at the battle line to ensure their escape as promised.
I told them "I'd save today, they'd save tomorrow." Heroic this might seem but truly, being a hero wasn't my motive.
I was just tired of it all; the running, the constant adrenaline …even tired of life itself. I had no hope of survival neither was I scared of death.
Dark was the night, cold it was in the woods as the wind blew, and here I stood, next to my fallen brother, armed to the teeth, ready to take down some ruthless Hutus, a tribe I once identified myself as being part of.
The moon, aware of the darkness and ruthlessness about to unfold, hid itself behind the clouds as they approached. It didn't want to witness the horror about to unfold …I guess I'd do the same if given the chance. I guess this is it, the ultimate test of skill.
As they approached, I felt this fire within me, something I had never felt before. I've heard tales of a single man taking on armies.
Men like Samson of old but I had never seen it happen. I was about to experience something similar. As they approached I noticed they had no form, no composure, no true strategy and that was a weakness I could exploit.
Being without numbers I had learnt efficiency from the resistance and what they taught would be my greater weapon in this battle.
Due to their brainless attack, I could easily counter and fight back. Evade and strike, that was my strategy and with them it was unbeatable.
All it took for me to drop them was one bullet and though they did get in a few shots, my vest was more than equal to the task. With this form I continued; evade, strike, take cover, reload and sometimes use the environment to my advantage. I hacked and slashed with machetes I picked up from their fallen.
This I did from behind and most didn't see it coming.
Some met their end when I thrust a tree branch through their eyes and mouth, a feat I doubted its possibility until it was done. I was absolutely ruthless as I attacked with pure rage, tearing through them like butter. I only realized what had happened when it was over.
By the time I was done, no less than twenty men had fallen. In the woods, covered with the blood of my foes, I stood as a victorious warlord.
I sustained very few injuries so prepared for another round I remained. I could have met up with the rest of the resistance but I chose to go after the remaining rebels instead.
When I circled back to the sight of the explosion, I was expecting a crowd but I met a handful of people, lesser than the numbers I had erased.
Some were barely alive on account of the explosion. Some served as a nurse to the wounded, leaving about seven armed and ready to fight. These were the ones I went after first. With the weapons of their fallen comrades I quickly ended the seven that stood whilst sustaining a bullet wound in my left arm.
This, however, didn't stop me from my onslaught. Those who served as nurses weren't quick enough to get armed and their sluggishness I very well exploited.
The wounded stood no chance.
They couldn't fight back.
All they could do was struggle to remain alive where they lay. I looked into their eyes as I walked towards and over them, and I could very well see the despair there. Some pleaded to be spared, they cried to me to be merciful.
I would have given them mercy, but truly, I had none left.
After single-handedly laying waste to about thirty-four men, I realized that these were the same men who assaulted the church. With the rage blinding me, I couldn't see them until now.
When I did, I searched around for my brother to look him in the eyes as I cut open his eyes.
I searched for him all around, turning over some bodies to look at their faces, very well prepared to go back to the woods to search if need be.
As I turned over, anyone I saw that remained alive and wasn't my brother I ended for good. This I did until my search yielded needed fruit.
As I looked at him, he starred back at me, afraid to say a word. I wanted to end him that instant but first I just needed to know why he did what he did to me, to the rest of these innocent people…
"…why?" I shouted in his face but with no reply.
What could be the reason for this murder, all these deaths, what could you possibly hope to gain?"
"What is your motive?" He asked silently in response.
"I do this because of you. I chose vengeance because of you!"
"Then you have your answer… you are but a little child, Gahiji, you don't know nor can you understand the hurt that has been between our people. This war has been brewing for ages, long before you came into the picture .This is something that must happen."
"Don't say that, don't you say that. Nothing, no amount of hurt and pain can be worth this," I said as torrents of tears gushed out.
"Your heart is young and you're still trying to find your path, Gahiji. Listen to me and I will …"
He seemed to have much more to say than that but I wouldn't let him speak. I pointed my rifle at his heart and that sent him silent. As he awaited the trigger pull, something came to mind that was said by our leader Runihura.
"When our aim is settling scores then the war would never end." He was by far the wisest of us and the least ruthless and raged-filled. He only ever resulted to violence when need be. Mostly to save others or to ensure his survival.
"My Rwanda can be a paradise again. The war would cease not because of the stronger but for love's sake. Only love can make this happen, firstly love from us all towards our kinsman. Then the love of the entire world."
This was something else he said and as I looked over my brother I saw his words as truly profound. I was sent into the castle of my mind, taken over by a myriad of thoughts as I slowly lay down my rifle.
Then I said to him, "I know you saved me that day. I know you brought me out that day. I want to believe you'd have saved my wife if you could but I don't... I will never be one with you. I will never get why you do what you do, but be of this; I won't watch or let you die. And I definitely won't go down in history as the man that killed his brother. You didn't, neither will I."
*
This was a rather sudden turn of events, a much needed one at that, one we all need to take, no matter how long we had stayed on the opposite path.
The path to peace is a long journey, and no matter how far that journey might appear, it's worth it.
Just as every journey, the journey to peace begins with willingness and then we take the first step.
Pointing fingers won't help matters.
We have to forgive and call for a ceasefire, one by one.
I may not be the perfect man to give this message, but I choose to do so nonetheless.
I am Gahiji Habimana, and I choose to follow this path of peace.
About the Author:
Emmanuel Adanegbe is a Christian who hails from Benin, Nigeria.
He is a writer, specifically a novelist, with over four complete novels in fantasy and romance.
He also writes short stories. He is an alumni of the University of Benin where he graduated with a B.sc in plant biology and biotechnology.
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