Blue Heart

Written

by Yukta Muniraj

"The giving of love is an education in itself."

— Eleanor Roosevelt

She sat on the edge of the bed, staring at him. His gentle features shone through the window light.

She tried to count the number of times she had been lost looking at him. How can someone not do anything and yet make you feel a wave of emotions that cannot be described?

She watched his muscles move when he lifted his hands to stroke his hair.

The very same hands that stroked her body and made her eyes roll. He noticed her staring through the mirror and gave her one of those sly smiles.

She looked down at her feet at that moment. Sometimes she could not figure out how she felt about the emotions that she felt.

She fidgeted with her band on her wrist, thinking about how he felt for her. He had been a mystery to her, a man of few words, they said, but his actions were what spoke to her at times.

Him holding her knees in the cab or unconsciously bringing her to the side of the road while walking, touching her cheeks and just looking into her eyes until she started to giggle and they both started laughing.

She called him her dear William. In the past 21 years of her existence, no one read her the way he did. She looked at him then, that night, when their bodies were entangled and she just lay there curled up in his arms.

She turned to look at him, and she blurred out that she loved him... before she knew it. It was out of her mouth.

She contemplated so many times in her mind whether to say it or not, but yes, it is true when they say your heart can be stupid at times.

William just nodded. That nod felt like a sharp-edged knife had just grazed her heart through, and she looked away.

Before she realised it, her vision got blurry with tears and she heard him say it in a whisper then.

"I love you."

She felt she kind of begged for it. William had told her he did not like labeling the thing they had in between them.

She always found it funny how people usually refer to their relationship as a "thing".

She was so into him that she didn't care about the terms she agreed on to be with him and the consequences of it.

At lunch with friends, they would ask her about her relationship and she would often have to describe it to them.

Friends would often say that he was using her, but how would did she tell them what the love between them felt like?

The love which only the both of them witnessed? How does she describe the heat of his body and the warmth she felt with him?

William would often make love to her. She never knew she could feel this way until he made her feel it.

The imprint of his desires was left on her body and she would carry back home his scent which smelt like cardamom. She discovered pleasure which she never knew existed within her.

She often wondered what made her think that was the problem between her and William.

Was it the no-label or the difficulty of opening up? Maybe it was both or the standards that society set up.

We grow up watching people falling in love, getting together, getting married and living happily ever after, but what about the ones with broken hearts, the ones who lose hope and strength to love again, the lost ones, the ones who are not healed yet try to love?

Who is going to tell their story to the world? When do we as a society start accepting that there can be love without labels?

Love itself is enough to describe it. She was grateful for what she had.

Yes, people did say she deserved better, but she was proud to have a heart that could love and a life to live and explore.

Because loving someone was like being alive to breathe. She feared the unlived life out there in the world, who took heartbreak as a curse.

But what a lovely thing it was to feel every emotion and heal from it and

love again. What a courageous thing that one was capable of doing.

She looked at William then, the calmness this man held. She liked men who were patient and of gentle nature.

Growing up in a troubled and violent household, she found calmness to be comforting.

She said, "You said you loved me. You hesitated for a while there and, I don't know, it felt like you did not truly mean it.”

He was just sitting quietly with his elbows resting on his knees and his head down, as if he was deep into thinking and wisely choosing his words.

Then, he looked sideways and said, “You know that I do truly love you and you know that very well. You just want me to say that to you, don't you?"

"Yes... but you rarely express how you feel and it makes me wonder if you really want to be with me at all."

"I... I am not very good at expressing myself and I cannot... I am sorry, but it is really difficult for me and I know it hurts you, the fact that I am a grown man and but I cannot express myself. I feel terrible for making you feel that way."

She got up from the bed and knelt right in front of William. Then, she lifted his chin to look at her.

Seeing tears forming up his eyes, she said, "Do you know what a blue heart means?"

He gave her a puzzled expression and said, "What...? No, I don't know."

I believe that when you want something, you just have to ask the universe. I asked for you to heal as well as a sign showing me whether my wish came true. In return, the sign I got was a blue heart. The next couple of days, I started seeing blue hearts on social media and I still do."

He just looked at her. She could see he was thinking hard about what to say.

She took his face in her hands and said, "I know am just twenty-one, but do you think emotions have any age to feel? Even if a just-born baby cries when it's born, it's a sign that shows the baby will live. Do you think not being able to express how you feel makes you less of a human?

He shook his head slowly and she could see he was holding his tears back and she could sense the tightness in his voice when he spoke next.

"I am not good enough for you."

She smiled at him and said, "Oh yeah, we all have flaws, William, and it is okay. You are not hurting me. We do not need labels to love. We only need love. Living with a broken heart is better than living unlived, and what a shame it would be not to do so."

He let out a small laugh and the tears finally fell out and he grabbed her in a tight hug. She could feel his body shaking and she slowly stroked his back. She could feel her tears budding up now.

"I love you, Eva."

"I love you, William."

Yukta Muniraj is from Bangalore, India.

She is currently pursuing law and side by side writing poetry and short fiction.

Writing has always been her hobby and also a way of expressing herself.

She is 21 years old and has published a few of her poetries in reputed Indian publications.

She is learning and trying to make her work reach a wider audience.